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Looking for love
A note pinned up in the ballroom of Birmingham’s Paragon hotel bluntly informs guests of their fellow diners: eight per cent are company directors, 12 per cent of the men are aged 26 to 30, and 52 per cent are women and 48 per cent are men. Welcome to the multi-million-pound business that is the modern Asian arranged marriage market – a far cry from tedious masala tea with a suitable boy and his family in the old days, but nonetheless serious, as it has always been, in its intent to match up young middle-class Asian men and women. I have spent hours getting dressed up for the International Autumn Soirée and am sitting nervously with a girlfriend. There are 100 of us, mostly aged 25-35, with one common aim in mind: to find a spouse. The average young woman from a middle-class background spends at least £10,000 a year – on dresses, jewellery, dinners, travel and hotels. Our parents might be absent, but they would certainly approve, as all these potential dates have been gone over according to their religion, job, financial status and suitability. (1, 2)
You might ask what I, a 25-year-old highly educated and successful British Asian girl, with a degree in marketing and a master’s in journalism, am doing here. I was born and raised up in North London and now work as a freelance journalist. Like many of my western counterparts, I love going to bars and clubs, but when it comes to looking for a husband, I would rather choose an arranged marriage. Today, that rarely means that a partner is chosen by your family and thrust upon you. It is more likely to involve trips to exotic destinations, £1,000 outfits and organised events such as boat parties, formal balls and dinner dances – and best of all, you know all the men you meet will want to settle down. (3, 4)
The marriage introductions industry has expanded enormously in the past few years, as more creative ways of fi nding a partner have become popular. There are glossy introductions magazines, speed dating, internet dating and even international fi nd-a-partner parties. Not long ago I travelled to the Sindhi Sammelen in Las Vegas which brought together members of my Asian community, the Sindhis. It is marketed as an opportunity to celebrate our heritage but it is also a chance for young, single Sindhis to meet a mate. Indeed, the three-day event is split between wild pool parties, black-tie dinners and champagne-fuelled nights at clubs and casinos. It might sound no different to the average singles’ holiday apart from the fact your parents are there. (5, 6)
Over the course of three days, I was introduced to more than 50 professional men – brain surgeons, doctors, businessmen and IT specialists, all of whom were looking for long-term love. And this was no place for scruffy bikinis and shorts. As well as investing in new Western outfi ts, I took four Indian outfi ts worth £300 to £1,000 each, and several diamond, ruby and gold jewellery sets, all of which were paid for by my family. And this wasn’t the fi rst time I had hopped on the plane to fi nd a potential partner. I have been seriously hunting for a husband for the past year – which has taken me to Indonesia, Los Angeles and New York for similar events. (7)
In the West, arranged marriages have suffered from an image problem, fuelled by headline-grabbing stories of honour killings – when young women are killed by their male relatives before they can marry a man the family considers unsuitable. Even soaps insist on portraying the institution as ancient, where an innocent Asian woman is dragged into marrying a man she may never have met before. Of course, this does happen, but not in these circles. It’s important to make the distinction between an arranged marriage and a forced marriage. I have turned down several proposals, and there has been no problem – my parents want me to be happy. (8, 9)
These days arranged marriages have moved a long way from the uncomfortable meeting of both families over tea. There are numerous matchmaking websites – through which I have made contact with dozens of men around the world. Another popular method is Asian-only speed dating where you are given three minutes to chat to a man before moving on to the next one. That has proved a huge success. At one such event, I met a man whose fi rst question was to ask when I wanted to get married. The conversation then moved on to children – all in the fi rst minute. (10)
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Here is how an Asian courtship might work. Your mother knows someone she would like you to meet. You go to a bar or for dinner – it’s like a blind date but you have additional knowledge, such as his relationship history and social status. You can ask much more straightforward and private questions than you would on a Western date. By the third meeting, you would be required to make your intentions clear – do you want to marry him or not? (11)
Some non-Asian friends ask me how I could take part in something so clinical in its approach to fi nding true love. Well, to have to make a decision based on three or four meetings is a big responsibility. But I believe that proper reasoning, as opposed to blind love, will lead to a happy marriage in the end, with less chance of divorce. (12)
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