10.A Text: Other People Don’t Think You’re a Mess

2026-02-02T10:43:52+02:00

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We all have weaknesses, and all know hardship. But it’s difficult, even on a good day, to admit we are struggling, to ask for help or to apologize when we are out of line. After a year and a half of overwhelming stress caused by a global pandemic, many of us have become even more familiar with feeling vulnerable and have grown adept at avoiding difficult conversations. We may blow up to let off steam, for instance, and not take responsibility for the harm our actions cause. Or we may sulk when people close to us fail at guessing our needs. When setting clear boundaries is in order, many of us may say “yes” to everything only to end up resenting everyone—including ourselves—for having too much on our plates.

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Often, the best way to break these cycles is to admit our difficulties to others. That step can be excruciating and frightening, but keeping problems to ourselves can create even more long-term complications. After all, unacknowledged feelings and frustrations rarely stay under the rug. That is why it makes sense to figure out how to articulate one’s feelings or thoughts even when that form of expression leaves us feeling exposed or uncomfortable.

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The good news is that our worries about the negative evaluations of others may not be entirely reflected in the way people actually see us in difficult moments. Building on prior pioneering studies of vulnerability, my colleagues and I conducted six experiments that revealed consistent results: Across a variety of situations, such as asking for help or admitting to a mistake, people perceived their own displays of vulnerability more negatively than others did. We refer to this pattern of conflicting perceptions as the “beautiful mess effect.”

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We wanted to know how people could overcome the beautiful mess effect, with its differences in perception. Our experiments suggest that the concept of self-compassion can be of great help when it comes to finding beauty in the mess of one’s own shortcomings. Self-compassion consists of three components. First, 10.4 _____________ entails a caring and understanding response towards one’s own suffering. The second component, 10.5______________, refers to recognizing pain and failures as an unavoidable part of life. Finally, 10.6 ______________ entails clear awareness of the present moment—neither ignoring one’s difficulties nor overexaggerating their magnitude.

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Luckily, our level of self-compassion is not set in stone and it can be intentionally cultivated. For example, journaling exercises can help people change the way they think about their own strengths and weaknesses by writing about one’s feelings with awareness and acceptance, offering oneself words of support, and reflecting on how others share difficult experiences. By developing a kind, mindful attitude towards ourselves we can become more comfortable with showing our vulnerabilities.

Source: Anna Bruk. Other people don’t think you’re a mess. Springer Nature America, Inc. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/other-people-dont-think-youre-a-mess/. Published: 1.11.2021. Accessed: 8.1.2022. Adaptation: YTL.

10. The Other People (k2023)

10.A Text: Other People Don’t Think You’re a Mess

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